I'm a pterodactyl.
Om.
Not to be too forward, but when was the last time
that you felt the heaving touch of a man?
- Um... do blowies count? - No, God! Ew, who does that?
A lot of people.
Really? That's what they're telling you.
The last time I had actual intercourse was a year ago.
You wanna know what I do when I don't have a man?
- No. - I jam a cat paw up there.
- Oh, God. - Yup.
I'm talking about my friend Danny Katpaw. My deaf friend.
Come on. Oh, you've got a sick mind.
You really do need to get some action.
Your brain is being flooded
- with toxins and sex poisons. - Mmm.
That's not a joke.
- I just need to have sex once a year... - Mmm-hmm.
...and then all good under the hood and...
Actually though, speaking of,
when is Vaginismus this year?
Is that a Greek harvest holiday?
Greek harvest holiday?
No, it's the one day a year that I, medically speaking...
I have to have sex.
- Oh. - Otherwise, my vagina could close up.
I told you to put it on my calendar.
Are you still my assistant?
- What? - I just... I wasn't sure...
Of course, I am.
How could you even ask me that?
After everything I've done for you, and am currently doing for you!
- Sorry for saying... - Oh, my God.
Om.
- Okay. I want you to repeat after me. - Okay.
- I am confident. - I am confident.
- I am calm. - I am calm.
And I am going to nail that audition today.
- Audition? - Oh, God, did I not tell you?
It's at 4:00 p.m. on the Fox lot.
It's 3:45!
Well, then you better get on the get, huh?
- You lazy bones. - Come on!
All right, assistant work complete for today.
Hi. Maria Bamford. I'm a little late.
I drove here in the turning lane.
Yeah, but I didn't make up any time
because I had to make four unwanted left turns.
But, working on my confidence. I hate auditions. Ugh.
Sorry, you're not on the list.
That's impossible, 'cause I have an appointment at 4:00 p.m.
in the Seth MacFarlane building.
You can make a U-turn here and call your contact.
Richard... please let me in.
I haven't had an audition in six months since I had a minor mental crisis...
and I need to get this audition monkey off my back.
- Make a U-turn here, please. - Okay.
Sorry, Richard!
Audition monkey!
Hey! Hey!
Motherfucker!
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
Security was tight, so...
So are we gonna fuck or what?
I ain't your bitch!
If you're gonna stand there looking at me,
you're either gonna fuck me or fight me.
I'm gonna cut you, motherfucker.
I ain't raised to be a sucker.
I am a strong black man and I care for my sisters.
And if you think I'm gonna let you walk out of Cookie's life...
you're gonna walk right into this fist. And this one!
And I wear rings!
Motherfucker!
I'm not in the right place, am I?
You just read for a 22-year-old black male...
Okay.
...and nailed it.
Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.
I've been so nervous about auditioning, and I...
Maybe I've been auditioning for the wrong parts.
What was that part again?
Cookie's younger brother Nibbles, on Empire.
Oh, okay.
I don't mean to speak for the producers,
but I think they need to reconceive this whole part.
Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna have to thank my assistant after I kill her.
That is so Nibbles.
I am Nibbles.
Thank you so much.
Bye, Richard!
- Sorry, it slipped. - The fuck?
That was so Nibbles.
I'm so sorry.
I promise it'll be addressed by this evening.
Thank you so much.
Ah, my American girl.
Bruce, I haven't been able to get through to you.
I'm so sorry, my angel.
I've been up to my ass in Kindler problems.
A dead sex worker in Reseda was found holding his headshot.
Oh... got it.
Chantrelle, are you gonna get that?
Your hand broken?
We do this Cagney & Lacey thing, really keeps me on my toes.
I just love it.
Go for Bruce.
Yes, Fox Studios. Great, go ahead.
Yes, what a coincidence.
I happen to have her right in front of me.
Well, that's terrific.
Absolutely. Yes, indeed.
I know she'll be thrilled to hear that. Most definitely. Uh-huh.
Yes, for sure.
Yes. I'm sure we're on the same page with that.
Okay, wonderful. Bye for now.
What did they say?
Did you break onto the Fox lot, audition for the wrong teleseries,
then throw a scalding hot beverage at a security guard?
Well, it wasn't that hot.
And... it just got away from me.
My hands were all slippery from Larissa's hot oils.
The less I know about you Sisters of Sappho, the better.
But the point is, you're now officially banned for life from the Fox lot.
Well, that's horrible. What about Empire?
They called several hours ago with a nice, firm "no, thank you."
But you did give them a noggin nudge,
so that they recast Nibbles as a blonde, white woman.
So, big congrats in order for one Amy Schumer.
But why did you give me the thumbs up...
and make the money gestures and show me the money rock?
Was I doing that? It's this crazy tick...
that I have when I get nervous...
or if I'm lying, you know?
Do you feel nervous now?
- No, I've never been calmer. - Huh.
So I was finished at Fox.
Who cares? I'm not afraid of them.
There's only one person I'm afraid of.
- Look who's back in town, Hollyweird! - Oh, God.
Kirsten Rydholm.
Let's see what all that Jew money buys you, huh?
Let's see, you got...
Twenty boxes of Monistat and an US magazine.
Oh, wow, looks like things haven't changed that much
- since junior high. - Well...
Remember when you perioded all over the gym mat?
Oh, my God. I have a photo of that and I posted it on Facebook.
I got so many responses.
I still talk about that in therapy.
These are for the downtown women's center.
- Yeah, makes sense... lez. - Okay.
So, you're the Checklist lady, huh?
- Yeah. - Ooh.
- They sure as shoot photoshopped you. - Yeah, I know.
God, you look like shit.
- I know. - What's wrong?
You're sure not being friendly. Don't you remember me?
Yes... you're Kirsten Rydholm.
- Uh, Kirsten Rydholm-Rydholm. - Oh.
I married Dougie Rydholm.
Oh, he's your cousin. That's cool.
- Fourth cousin, you bitch. - Okay.
- So, what about you? You married? - Not currently.
Oh, that is so sad.
Hey, you know what?
I think these are on sale, but I'm not sure.
- No, you... - Let me do a price check for you. No.
- You're gonna want me to. - That's not necessary.
No, please don't.
Hey, could I get a price check
on 20 boxes of cooch cream
for Checklist's own spokeswoman, Maria Bamford...
who has a dirty downtown?
Listen, remind me not to go to spin class with you.
That's what all you d-bags do out in LA, right?
That and jerk each other off on the freeways
while you're drinking your soda.
We'll get them no matter what the cost.
Oh, "No matter what the cost" 'cause you're all Hollywood up in here.
Yeah! I got you. I'll see you up front.
Isn't that Maria Bamford?
I hear she's bipolar.
Oh, that's Maria Bamford.
I heard she bought two Polaris snowmobiles.
Ronny Duggard told me Maria Bamford's engaged
to the Polaris snowmobile heir, Dennis Ericson.
- Oh, Marilyn, hi. - Hi.
Oh, congratulations on the engagement.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah... we're... we're sure as sugar proud of her.
Wow...
I just overheard in aisle four,
that you are engaged to Dennis Ericson, the Polaris heir.
How come you didn't tell me you're rich as shit?
What are you talking about?
I fucked it up all these years.
I've been a piece of shit to you, Maria.
So, you know, I'm sorry.
Attitude check on Kirsten Rydholm-Rydholm.
Adjusted.
- Wow. - You should come over on Sunday.
We're gonna grill up some brats, watch the game, you know.
I'll put some plastic on the couch... so you can sit on it.
You know, on account of your rotten cooter.
Kirsten, I've been waiting my whole life to hear something that nice from you.
But I think you have some facts wrong.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Could you get me a free snowmobile?
But you were horrible to me in high school.
Right, I know. But...
I like you better now that you're rich.
Not many friends are going to admit that.
What do you say?
Take the win. And don't forget the blue gum, honey.
I'll talk to Dennis...
and... and...
we'll see you Sunday.
Okay.
I've always had a hard time being direct with people.
But now that I was banned from the Fox lot for life,
I had nothing to lose.
Larissa, we need to talk.
Oh, my God, Maria,
that is exactly what I was gonna say if I saw you first.
I'm sorry... I don't know... Who are you?
- Carol Simples. - Oh.
I'm Larissa's business coach.
My company is called Ladies Get to Work, parentheses, Like a Man.
Oh, very nice.
I felt like I was dropping the ball as your assistant,
so I brought in Carol here to help with her awesome methodologies.
Okay, that sounds good. Doesn't sound not good.
You're goddamn right, it doesn't.
Now I am just gonna stand right over here and observe.
So, what did you wanna talk to me about?
You sent me to the wrong audition.
You've been mixing up appointments.
It's driving me crazy and I want things to change.
And I think I know exactly what that is.
It's Chapter Two in my book, Keepin' It Carol, Carol Simples.
Oh, that's fun that you didn't go with the obvious pun.
What do you mean?
Keepin' It Simples.
Oh, my God! I left it on the table. Shit!
Fuck! What am I gonna do with all those fucking mugs?
What, I got to pay you now? Do I have to pay you?
No, I don't. Because you know what? We don't have a contract.
And that is smart business.
Carol has taught me her calendar technologies.
It is a calendar for ladies called a "Palendar."
You didn't go for "Galendar"?
What in the shit, Carol!
You see these color-coded tabs?
They are gonna keep me from messing up another appointment.
Okay, all I care about is Vaginismus.
You don't care about your cousin Terry's wedding last night?
Cousin Terry got married?
Okay, that's what's not gonna happen anymore
because of Carol's technologies.
Okay, Vaginismus is two weeks from tomorrow.
You celebrate the Greek harvest holidays?
That's what I thought it was.
- You did? - I did.
- Come here. - That's what I said.
No, it's the day I must have sex to keep my vagina open.
This is wrong.
Vaginismus is tonight.
No, this is a yellow tab.
- See, it's in two weeks. - Only if you're going by fortnights.
I am. That's Carol's technology.
If it's good enough for Abraham Lincoln,
it's good enough for today's busy, working, modern woman on the go.
Yeah.
Larissa, Vaginismus is tonight!
I need to have sex by midnight. 1:00 at the latest.
There's no way I'm gonna be able to squeeze it all in!
Is that a metaphor for your tight, tight vagina?
Ooh.
Okay, my life is still a little chaotic.
But I'm not as much of a pushover as I was in the past.
I love you, you fucking smelly snatch.
Thank you so much, hon.
All right, I got you booked on Kimmel.
Oh!
All right, was Bruce able to move the gig at Flappers so you're tech avails?
I don't know. I can't seem to get in touch with him.
Day 11 of the cruise from hell.
People remain stranded with limited supplies,
no working plumbing, and no communication with the outside world.
Barbara?
Please, Barbara, would you open this door?
Ramon, I've got to get my charger.
I have to call my number one client, Maria Bamford.
Captain says no power for incidentals.
Curse this fecal fiasco.
Maria, if I died and I went to hell,
I would be sucking the devil's dick for phone privileges.
You need to fire him now.
He's going through a rough patch with his marriage.
Oh, boo-fucking-hoo.
You know what? We all have problems.
My son shot up his school. Did I miss a day of work?
No, I didn't. Okay?
Fucking fire him! Do it.
Do it.
- Do it. - Your call...
Oh, voicemail. That's a big fucking surprise.
Chantrelle, how do I record my...
Hey, Bruce, it's Maria.
Hey, how you doing?
- Take the shot. - You're fired.
Oh, God!
All right, phase two. Branding.
We're gonna talk movies, TV, music, fashion,
fragrances, shopping network, small appliance line.
I represent Adrian fucking Zmed.
He has a product
that will change everything you ever thought you ever knew
about swimming forever.
- It's called the Zwim Gym. - Oh, my God!
It's a holodeck. You're not pregnant, are you?
If you were, you aren't anymore.
You're welcome. Or, whatever... my condolences.
Holodeck off.
Pitch me your passion product.
- Uh... - Car blanket?
No, I'm not interested. Pass.
- What are your twin passions? - Two pugs.
- No. - Sex and drugs.
- Pass. - Books, peanut butter.
- Wrong! - Pugs and books.
It's jogging and bell peppers.
- Wow! - It's a prototype from the Philippines.
We will be getting in on the ground floor.
How does Maria Bamford's Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot sound?
- Confusing. - Exactly.
That is what it's like to have real representation!
Welcome to the big leagues, baby girl.
Get the fuck out of my office.
I hate to say it, but firing Bruce gave me a sense of power.
I felt like anything was possible.
I can't believe you have done all of this.
- I know. I know. - Wow.
I'm so pumped up from the Karen Grisham meeting.
It's as if... I feel like, "I can do anything!"
I love your energy.
- Thank you. - You're so much fun to be around.
So, how is, uh, the stunt work going?
Um, it...
Oh. Ow!
- Ow. - Come on! Two for flinching!
- Fiancee. - Yes.
I feel like I'm getting a little old for this business.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
You are in awesome shape, okay? You can do anything.
Oh, my gosh. Look.
Hi. I'm Adrian Zmed for the Adrian Zmed Zwim Gym.
This is Karen Grisham's client.
Turn it up, turn it up!
There we go.
Got a lot of errands, but you wanna swim?
No time to go to the pool?
Now, you can swim anytime, anywhere!
In the office.
Dropping off the kids.
Getting deposed for vehicular manslaughter.
Or really get trim and double your Zwim.
And it comes in dog sizes, too!
Order now and receive your free Adrian Zmed car blanket.
Sleep in your Jeep!
Zwim Gym!
You think that really works?
Well, we're gonna find out because I just ordered three!
All right.
I love swimming so much.
- I used to swim all the time. - Really?
You should totally get back into it,
because Adrian Zmed, I mean, what is he, 61?
And now he's swum... 23 miles, all the way to Catalina Island.
You could do that. There's no way you couldn't not do that.
You start training
and you check the currents,
and all that jazz.
You could do anything you set your mind to.
I'm just gonna clean up around here.
You really think so?
You said you liked swimming, so that's the logical next step.
- That could be fun. - Yeah.
I did train for that half marathon that one time.
If you have a wish, you can do anything.
If you have a wish, you put it in a can.
It's called a "God can" because God can.
And I can... help you... train.
You know?
Bing, bing...
Aquaman calling in the fishes!
- Oh, yeah. Yes. - Right?
Okay, first training run.
Fifty miles from home. Are you ready to Zwim Gym?
Feels kinda weird. It's so heavy.
Yeah, 'cause it's filled with water.
- I'll see you at home, Fiancee. - All right! See you at home, Fiancee.
Pound. Okay.
Bye!
Yeah!
Oh, God!
Oh, my lover!
Oh, God!
You're lucky you're a stuntman.
A blow like that would've killed any other man,
except for Adrian Zmed. Thank God you were wearing a Zwim Gym.
When do you think he'll be able to get back in the water?
We need to get back to training.
I don't wanna get too into the weeds on the medical mumbo-jumbo,
but his neck is broken like a motherfucker.
He wants to be in the water, now.
He's swimming to Catalina Island in 13 days.
He needs to be with the dolphins.
Nature's jesters, sea clowns.
Laughter heals.
See why I love her? That's it.
It's important for Graham to take it easy right now, okay?
He's lucky to be alive.
You're killing his dream.
He could be an Olympian.
What about your Hippocratic oath? Are you a hypocritical Hippocratical?
I thought this was all democratical.
What, now you're making all the decisions?
Are you dictator, Dr. Dictator? Are you a doctator?
Frytator, Potator, Cheese grater.
I thought your name was Dr. Achter.
Okay, Maria.
Could I speak with you for a second?
Have you ever been diagnosed with any mental illness?
You say diagnosis, I say diag-yes-is
Diagnosis, diag-yes-is
No, I have... I'm on antidepressants.
I have been since I was 19.
Because I had thoughts of suicide all the time.
And I still do. But it's under control.
It's not like I think I'm an angel.
When I'm swimming, I'm an angel, a swim-angel.
That's a swimgel. I love words.
You're exhibiting a lot of the symptoms of someone
who might benefit from being on a mood stabilizer.
Why don't you prescribe me something?
Because I wanna go shopping and get some shoes.
- Oh. - Reeboks. Right?
- Really? Okay. - Dr. Achter, give me the news,
'cause I have a bad case of loving shoes.
Well, we can do a brain scan,
and we can talk about the results.
- Okay. - In fact, I'm gonna get another doctor
- to take a look at you, okay? - Yeah...
- Doctor... - Because...
Look over there. Ah! I'm going!
Oh, your... Oh!
Okay, so I was a coward.
But now I had the strength to face a new medical condition, Vaginismus.
All I had to do was have sex by midnight, 1:00 at the latest,
and I was good for another year.
- Hey, Maria, check this out. - Yeah?
Okay.
- That remind you of anything? - Yes.
- This is your vagina. - Okay. Yeah.
- It's too tight. Can't fit it in. - I got it.
So, this is the vag-bar, huh?
Yeah, this is where I traditionally hold Vaginismus.
And I always sit at this bar.
I always order a Diet Coke and cran
with seven maraschino cherries.
And then, I just wait...
- for the universe... - Just happens?
to bring me a miracle.
- Smart thinking. - Here you go, Maria.
Diet Coke and cran with seven maraschino cherries.
- Thank you so much, Frank. - Yeah, thank you so much.
- He's pretty cute, Maria. - Yeah.
Not my type, but what about for you?
Been there, done that. It was Vaginismus... 2011.
- I just like to let the evening unfold. - Mmm-hmm.
And trust that the universe will just...
spit out the right guy at the right time.
And, if that does not happen, there is always...
- Maria. - Mmm-hmm.
I know that you're going through some shit right now.
I want you to know I'm here for you. You know that?
- I know. - So just go out there.
- Have fun. - Okay.
If anybody comes at you with that butt stuff,
- send them to me, okay? - You got that right.
- Okay. Thanks, sister. - Straight to you.
I'm gonna go make someone a hero out there.
Okay, okay.
Oh, God. Okay.
Hey, I, uh...
security at the Fox lot.
- Uh... - Richard, right?
- Oh, it's you. - Yeah.
Yeah, Maria Bamford. So you remember me?
- Yeah. Hmm. - Okay.
God, I am so sorry. It was an accident.
I was so excited and I just kind of flung... I'm so sorry.
You think you're the only white woman
who's thrown a hot cup of coffee at me?
Let's just say there's a new girl on the lot. Infer what you want.
Can I, in any way, make it up to you by buying you a drink?
- You're gonna throw it at me? - No.
Awkward.
No.
I'll, um, just... okay.
Diet Coke and cranberry.
That is my drink.
- That's crazy. - Wow.
- I was rude to you. - Right.
Why don't you go ahead and say
the rudest thing you can think of to me.
All right. Your hair...
is too shiny and beautiful.
- Okay. Something real. - Okay, real.
Your jeans make your bum look too nice.
Okay, now that's...
Well, you're looking pretty good yourself.
Thank you. I work hard to keep the weight off.
- In college, I was real husky. - Okay.
They used to call me, uh, "Fat Dick."
Aw. Well, that must've hurt.
You have no idea.
Hmm.
You know what, would you wanna
get out of here and go hang out at my place?
And... we could watch a movie or canoodle, you know.
That sounds nice.
I had a good time tonight. Can I... call you?
Well, wait, you don't have to leave. You can stay.
You can have sex with me tonight.
I like you. I don't wanna have sex the first night we hang out.
Come on! You're a guy. Come on.
I really need to have sex with you... tonight.
You know, I'm feeling uncomfortable.
You shouldn't. You should feel flattered.
- Right. - I had a sure thing at the bar,
but I chose you.
So I'm only here 'cause you needed some D.
Yeah, and I wanted to make it up to you because of scalding you on the lot.
You realize this is insulting to me right now?
Uh... Richard, it is not about you.
- No kidding. - Okay.
The sad thing is, I liked you. I thought you liked me.
You know... Goodbye, Maria.
You are a bad person
and I'm glad you will never be on the Fox lot ever again.
Aw, shit!
- Frank, you're still here? - Yeah.
- Awesome. - So, are we gonna fuck or what?
I ain't your bitch.
I am a strong black man and I take care of my sisters. Okay?
I'm gonna cut you, motherfucker.
I am Nibbles.
You're not gonna get a piece of this cookie. Okay?
So, is that a no?
Yes, that's a no.
By being a black man...
I finally learned to be a better white woman.
I have the balls to be a white woman.
I don't have to open up my painful rock box, okay?
I can open up my feelings box, so I can gain the confidence
and that confidence will attract the right person.
Good for you, Frank. Celebrate the body.
Celebrate the body!
Oh, man.
Larissa said that party was in a fortnight.
I really wanted to go to that.
It's too late now.
Yeah, I know.
I'm doing the best that I can, Bert.
I really need your support right now, okay?
Blueberry, that's a great idea. I will go next door and ask for help.
Hey, everybody!
Hey, I live next door. Could anyone help me get my lights back on?
Um... I'm an electrician. Is that helpful?
Yes. Yes.
That'd be great. Thank you so much. Thank you.
I just... I did everything and...
it doesn't seem to be working.
It's... a miracle.
Yeah.
It's a Vaginismus miracle.
Hey, so that was really fun. Thank you so much for everything.
Bye, now.
Wait. Wait.
You don't wanna do this again?
- For what purpose? - Because I really like you.
Why?
I don't know what I'm doing
More than half of the time